Today is both Father’s Day and my sister’s 35th birthday. I’m not more sad today about missing her than I am on any other day, but I am more sad at the thought of how my parents feel, especially my dad. I can only imagine how it must feel to reflect on what it was like when we celebrated their special days together, and what it would be like now if they still could.

Push and Pull.

It seems as though for every happy event or moment, there is something sad tugging at the edges of it. And that’s oddly ok–it’s life. I’d rather have a slightly sad reminder of Jen than none at all.

Next Sunday, I’ll be in California at my cousin Jimmy’s wedding. Jimmy and I have always been buddies. We spent young summers together on the lake and in the woods (and sometimes in California). His sister, Kristen, was there too–but she preferred to be with my sister–the oldest and coolest of our cousin group.

Last week, Jimmy’s wife-to-be, Diane, asked me to do a reading at their wedding, and I was thrilled to say yes. She told me the poem she’d like me to read, and it’s one that (especially the last section) has been there for me over the last seven years in the absence of my sister.

Near or far, alive or not, parent, sister, cousin, or friend…It feels like the perfect poem to read at their wedding, and can be my secret way of inviting Jen into the celebration. The last time I spoke at a service was at her funeral service, and although that was an important celebration of her life, the wedding will definitely be a brighter push and pull of emotions.

 

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

 

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it (anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want

no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

 

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

 

~ e.e. cummings ~

 

 

Happy Father’s Day! I hope there’s a celebration for you and your father today, even if it is only in your heart.