First, I apologize to anyone who lives in Aberdeen. This is a figurative expression, among the many adopted by my mom and me (similar to What’s Your Granola?) that really has nothing to do with the noun being used.
Several years ago, we read this article that was written about a study in which a group of people were all individually asked if they wanted to go on a trip to Aberdeen. Each person thought the rest of the group wanted to go, but in fact, no one wanted to. The study was looking at how people make decisions and how they are affected by what they believe other people want.
So the group went to Aberdeen…and no one wanted to be there.
What a waste of time!
Mom and I say “Don’t go to Aberdeen” to each other whenever the other is considering sacrificing personal wants and needs for the sake of pleasing others. This saying goes along with another we’ve adopted, “Honest or nothing,” but the Aberdeen saying has more of a ring to it.
Sometimes it feels difficult to make decisions for our own best interest when we’ve only considered others for so long (keeping in mind that sometimes we have made commitments that we can’t break). It gets easier though…and almost fun! Often, when I’ve been going to Aberdeen to make someone else happy, I eventually find out that they really don’t care anyway, and I could have just been true to myself all along.
My sister’s favorite quote, of which you could find the first half on her gravestone:
“Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
It’s possibly a quote by Dr. Suess, but even wikipedia isn’t totally sure about that one.
How I did not go to Aberdeen lately:
My examples don’t look like a big deal, but when you add up a life full of small self-disadvantageous decisions…there is a big impact!
I’m in super duper work mode…until mid-May, and I’m enjoying my work (seriously), but I know I will have a lot of chances to go to Aberdeen by sacrificing my work schedule to be social (and it’s not that I don’t want to be social…but I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour even more). Just like in the past when I had too many jobs and commitments, the people who matter don’t mind…and they understand that it’s not personal. The people who mind, well, they probably aren’t reading this anyway, so they’ll continue to be annoyed at me for not sacrificing my schedule to fit into theirs. It’s just that now that I’ve established Not Going to Aberdeen, I don’t waste as much time worrying about it.
How have you gone to Aberdeen lately? Avoided it?
LOVE that quote and what a great post! I have definitely gone to Aberdeen. I am so bad about trying to please others and make them happy. But I'm getting better about it. In fact, I am NOT going to Aberdeen tonight (coworker's wedding, feel pressured to go even though person isn't really my friend). I'm going to do what I want and that means having friends over for pizza 😉
I love this post. I think I don't go to Aberdeen everytime I tell someone I can't do something because I have to run. Most people think I'm crazy, but my real friends understand that training is important to me. I'm going to Aberdeen this weekend for a late Christmas celebration with my husband's extended family. I think it's a sacrifice I have to make. Thanks for this!
I said “yes” to a book club meeting on Tuesday night even though I haven't read the book, dont' want to read the book, don't have time to read the book, etc. I just hate saying *no* when I feel like all I say is *no*
i love the quote “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” WHOEVER came up with it is brilliant!
i have people-pleaser tendancies, for sure, and keep working on that! like you say, lisa, usually when we DO speak up for ourselves, it turns out to be no big deal.
love how you and your mom come up with these expressions! please share more! 🙂
Great post!!!! I'm usually an “I want to please everyone” type of person, and while that is a good quality, its also good to be able to make choices that are good for you. Just depends on the situation….=D
Well, being a Mom and having a family I guess I am guilty of going to Aberdeen more than not…BUT I will say that I have gotten MUCH better at taking care of ME and speaking UP when I need or even want something or doing something.
so YAY for that and YAY for great quotes.
It never occurred to me that those who might mind, probably don't matter.
LOVE IT
Happy Friday
I love this! I have gotten pretty good at Aberdeen lately…I have become less afraid to speak my mind. However, there are still situations where I feel uncomfortable to speak up and therefore visit Aberdeen 🙂 This usually happens with an authority figure or if its a group of people against me. I'm really glad you wrote about this though, because now that it has been brought to my attention, Im going to do my best to avoid it!
Being in massage therapy school has really put my going to Aberdeen in check, because I have so little free time that if I don't feel like doing something I just don't. And sometimes people are let down, but most of the time they are fine. I have to be true to myself so I don't wear any more thin than I already am between school and work and the dogs and the boyfriend! 🙂
I love that example! It really makes sense. I usually go along with what everyone else wants to do, so that would totally happen to me!
For the first time ever I planned and took the trip that I wanted to take, saw the things I wanted to see, and have the best vacation I've ever had! I can't wait to do it again!
I will *always* love that quote.
Me too—I need the reminder once in a while, so I'll just keep using it 🙂
Yay for you! Isn't that such a great feeling?!
I've been going to Aberdeen my whole entire life…time for change!
Being crazy busy definitely provides fuel for the fire on this one! When you
have to say No to stuff for self-preservation…it's good practice for the
other times too, I think!
I find it also helps knowing other people are working on it too—so I'll
just have to post about it every time I'm struggling with sticking up for
myself 🙂
When I finally realized that no one usually cares what I do, it did become a
little easier to stand up for myself more! It helps to know other people
are working on it too 🙂
Well, hopefully they'll have good snacks 🙂 I know what you mean
though—I'm going to a xmas re-gift party tonight and I have nothing to
re-gift, but I have said No to the last several get togethers…so I guess
balance plays a role in all this too!
Friends and pizza sound WAY better than the wedding 🙂
Hope you had a blast!
This was a great post! I actually avoid Aberdeen at all costs! It took me a long time to learn this, but I have to do what pleases me!
I LOVE that quote. That is actually something i have recently learned, but haven't pinpointed the words for it. This was a great post!
I've actually never heard of this quote before! (Sometimes I think I live under a rock?). I love the meaning though, and couldn't agree more with the idea–thanks for sharing your examples 🙂
I love this post : )
I used to always just want to please everyone else and I ended up lost, not ever doing what I wanted or what makes me happy, Now I just do me ; ) haha! I really do what I want and makes me happy and also do what makes others happy as well, like going to a movie mike wants to see that I dont, its all about balance ; )
happy weekend love!
I have finally learned to stop pleasing others, well, i try to learn this. It's sooo hard b/c I want everyone to be happy around me and so I give of myself so they can be happy. Sometimes i just need to not go to Aberdeen. You are sooo right, love this post!
This is a great post! You are so right- it is important not to go to Aberdeen all the time! That quote is amazing. Thank you so much for your comment, and for putting in that quote! The mom advice was great, and your comment really cheered me up! 🙂
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I love your expressions! I can totally relate to this one too. Not going to Aberdeen (figuratively anyway…I would actually love to go to Scotland!) is something I have to frequently remind myself of!
We have a subdivision called Aberdeen right by us–so when I first read this I was like huh? haha
I love the way your are using the phrase! I just love your general outlook on life. 🙂
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Not Aberdeen. It was from The Abilene Paradox and Other Meditations on Management, a business book written in 1988. Fun read. I like the way you have used the idea for better self care. Always good to have a reminder.
Be good to yourself. That makes it far easier to be good to others. Until they become the same thing.
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