Plans Made.

I’m a master planner. I plan everything, and I enjoy it.  Sometimes I enjoy making the plans more than I enjoy implementing them. It’s common for me to discuss (I call it brainstorming) what I think I want (today, tomorrow, for my career, my life…..where I want to live, what car I might want to buy…..what project I should tackle next….). Sometimes I think Joe thinks I’m just really wishy washy—-he is the type of person to just make up his mind about something (instantaneously, I believe), and then stick to that idea like it’s superglued to him.  I’m not annoyed by this (I promise), but I think it might be slightly annoying to him that I appear to change my mind more than I change my clothes—and I work out a lot, so that happens pretty frequently. What looks like a constant mind-change is actually me just mulling things over.  I talk and think about possibilities, mull them over for a few days till I have a realistic view of whether or not I really want that, and then either move on or dwell on.

I think maybe this has helped me reach some of my success, self-proclaimed of course. I’m realizing that I’m really uncomfortable in the moment—I’m always trying to figure out what’s next, and I want to just have it all figured out. This is something I’m working on changing, diligently.  Just as diligently as I work on everything else—relentlessly, really.  That whole wheatgrass-growing adventure—I’m so conquering that.  Microgreens, psh–piece of cake!

The one thing that jams me up is when I rely on my instincts and physical cues for food choices. I am super-sensitive to food.  I’ve learned that my body can exist primarily on carbs (I lived on animal crackers, cheesecake, and diet pepsi for an entire year in college). I could plan all I wanted, but I never actually stuck to any of my food plans for a lot of reasons.

I’ve been better and worse at making food choices depending on my life and situation at any given time. A thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve never really chosen anything regarding work or food or anything else, I just let things happen (and rarely say no to anything)—-but I’m always planning.

I wish I wouldn’t waste so much time planning. It’s probably my grasp at control—which doesn’t exist.

I just read a book by Brendan Brazier called, Thrive Fitness, and I highly recommend it (not just because of the name—and his other book is great too).  He helped me figure out some things I was doing “wrong” with my eating and exercise.  These are things I already knew, but I’d pushed reason and knowledge aside for comfort’s sake (and it feels good sometimes to spend my mindless hour on the elliptical everyday).  I told myself that when I wanted carbs-only, I should eat them because my body must need them.  I know that’s not true—and Brendan helped me call myself out on that.  Within my extended family and friends, I can see how other people have managed this type of issue I have with carbs and physical side effects and stress —they’ve taken anti-depressants and stimulants, and painkillers, and other assorted pharmaceuticals and excessive alcohol. I’m not against medication, but at this time it isn’t going to work for me—and on days when things aren’t working so well (today, honestly), I’m going to keep working on not beating myself up for it (like I suggest other people try all the time), and chalk it up to experience. More experience that will help me plan smarter this time and not just plan more.

The point for telling you this is one of my own self-discovery and also for the sake of promoting thinking about what is really going on in our lives and our bodies.  We can deny and push down and delude and defend until the day we die, but it isn’t helpful.  I want to be looking at the real me in the mirror, and then I think I can address my stuff better.

I’m working on being realistic about my “new” plan, and using Brendan’s book to help me formulate it. Tomorrow is green day—I have a million microgreens to use!